I read a profoundly thought-provoking article by Kay Lord, a gentleman whose views I follow and respect on Facebook, around this topic and it made me think some more about grief and PTSD, and how infrequently we discuss these matters openly. Like everything that touches on emotional wellness or mental health, it is frequently a hush hush topic, not to be spoken about. But this is very unhelpful. While his approach focused on health systems reforms and accountability within the health services to guarantee quality assurance, improve outcomes and reduce adverse events; my approach is to focus on the mental health aspects and promote understanding and empathy for the grieving process as well as PTSD.
It is crying shame that our brilliant celebrity author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie lost her 21-month-old son, Nkanu, who became unwell during a family visit back home to Nigeria. One of the hardest challenges ever, is for a parent to bury their own child, and an otherwise previously healthy toddler for that matter. The devastating emotional trauma can only be imagined. Thus, when it was recently reported that Chimamanda had stated that her views had changed towards Nigeria and that she did not want to come back to Nigeria, my brain screamed grief and PTSD.
What is Grief?
Grief is the emotional suffering you feel when someone or something you loved and cherished dearly, is taken away. The pain of the loss can be overwhelming and very difficult to manage.Especially if the loss was sudden or traumatic. It may also be sorrow from a significant loss such as loss of a job, divorce etc. Typically, all sorts of confusing and conflicting emotions may be experienced, ranging from guilt, regret, self-blame, to shock, anger, disbelief or denial. What is usually a common thread is overwhelming sadness and sense of loss. The emotional pain can be intense and severe.
The stages of grief, according to the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross include:
Denial: Significant disbelief that the loss has happened.
Anger: Intense anger at all and sundry, sometimes at self, including self-blame. Why did I even go there? Etc.
Bargaining: Wishing it was all a dream and praying hard to God to wake up and realize it was merely a bad dream.
Depression: When the reality and the enormity of the loss fully hits, many sink into depression and may even wish not to exist anymore and become suicidal themselves.
Acceptance: This is the ultimate stage where the individual comes to accept the situation, comes to terms with the pain of the loss and decides to make progress in a way that honours the memory of the departed. They don’t forget the pain, but learn to live with it.
How about PTSD
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) on the other hand, is closely tied to the occurrence of a traumatic event witnessed by the individual, that becomes a major trigger and stressor afterwards. It is associated with distressing flashbacks, recurring nightmares around the event, state of hypervigilance and arousal where they are easily startled by loud noises or sudden movements, and classically, avoidance of all cues that bring back the painful memories of the traumatic event. It can be a very distressing emotional condition that causes the affected individuals to keep on reliving and re-experiencing the pain of the trauma….months and years after the specific event.
It is in the light of the foregoing that we should situate and be empathetic towards Chimamanda as she goes through the grieving process. It should be perfectly understood, if she wants to avoid cues and reminders of the trauma, while struggling to heal from it all. This is a natural process that will take place on its own terms. I expect that she should be getting all the support from her loved ones and professionals as well, to work through this most emotionally trying period of her life.
Conclusion:
We should promote and embrace open conversations about emotional pain, grief and PTSD as well as any other mental health difficulties. Let’s all commit to showing empathy, support and encouragement for all affected people in our sphere of influence. And even if you don’t know what to say or how to help, just show up and hold their hands and say nothing. Let your actions speak louder than your voice. People grieve differently, so allow them. Be present, but if they also want some space, give them room. Just let them know that you care, and you are available if and whenever they need you. And keep checking on them frequently. We are good at thronging bereaved homes but 3 months down the line, the surviving family members are largely forgotten and abandoned. We can and should be doing better. May Chimamanda and everyone struggling with grief or PTSD from losses, find peace and acceptance and their joy and faith in life be rekindled again.
